I do miss...

Afternoon delights.... I haven't had one in a long time... a really long time. Taking my lunch break from a busy day for a little fun time; certainly a great way to get that second wind to finish off the day.

This has been the longest time that I have not had any action and I am actually okay with it. I guess it just piles on to exactly how much and/or how crazy I am for my Fatima... long distance relationships suck but sadly this is how it is right now.

A jumble of thoughts...

I am not really sure what I am trying to achieve with this post but my head is crammed with a string of thoughts that don't seem to tie together so I figure just let it out...

1. Have you ever had that pitting feeling in your stomach that you aren't sure what the cause is?  Or at least not able to pinpoint exactly what is causing it.. Right now my stomach is in knots? I know for sure it wasn't the ribs from Ribfest (which apparently is the largest rib event in North America). I can narrow down what are the probable causes but again I can't really figure it out.

2. Perfection, I think, is an illusion specifically when talking about people. I am the first to admit to myself that I am imperfect. I am flawed and at times I certainly feel broken.

3. The saying "Good guys always finish last" has been a thought that I have wrestled around in my head for a very long time. I think I am a good guy... There have been many good things that have happened in my life moreso recently that disproves this statement but at the same over the many years I get the short end of the stick, the kick in the mouth, the stab in the back, the gut reching feeling of loss, the heart break.

4. I think one of the main reasons why I started this blog was really because I was hanging on by a thread. I did not know which direction to go or what to do... And at certain times what to live for. The past two years has been particularly rough to a point that's made me question myself.

5. I fell in love. Some times I am scared because I wouldn't want to lose her that I fallen deeply for... Which is way I lay everything out there, out in the open. My Fatima...

Well that's certainly a load off... I think I'll be able to sleep now.

1 month...

For my Fatima...

Since we couldn't decide when to make it official... July 19th or the 24th... we ended up tossing a coin and landed in favor of the 24th.

It feels like forever since I last saw my Fatima but the past month seemed to have flew by. My only regret is that I wish she were with me. I will just have to be patient...

I know flowers are so cliche but you must admit, they are beautiful. I would like to thank my supporting cast in assisting me in this project.

A Journal Entry from... 072312

7/23/2012... Cebu, Philippines (edited)

So a lot has happened in the past five days - a lot. Big news was she said 'yes.'
( She said 'Yes' the first time on July 19th but still with plenty of uncertainty. After further consideration, she said 'Yes' again the day after I wrote this journal entry. Since we could not exactly decide when the 'Yes' moment was, we ended up doing a coin toss and decided on July 24. This would be the official date of when we would have changed our Facebook status to 'in a relationship', had we actually cared about that... Anyhow, back to the story)
Sadly, she still had some reservations [which I can't really blame her for considering the circumstances but at least she is committing to this relationship]. [Another big this was..] Last night was a huge revelation for me. A tremendous eye opener into myself and how much exactly I like this gal [Fatima].. [and of how much of myself has changed because of her].

I never thought I could ever go back to the days when I was young, when i dreamed of happy endings, when I wasn't so callous and casual about sex, when I jumped without looking [or thinking]. In these past few weeks, I changed. I fell in love again. I have fallen so hard [and so deep] that I am scared. This has been the most vulnerable I have felt in more than a decade. All the defenses and walls I have guilt up over there years have simply fallen away. Its crazy. I do not even feel comfortable in my own skin right now. [All because this feeling has become such an unfamiliar sensation. I never thought I could be so attracted, so drawn to someone this much.] Its not necessarily a bad thing. Actually, I am very proud of myself from last night [the details of which are extremely private] but it was just so unlike my previous self ...[before I made the trip, before I met my Fatima].

Coming home tonight though - FUCK. I am a mess. I really want things to work out with this gal. Prior to her there has only been one other person who I have opened up to, my best friend LDO. Sadly, he has passed. [Miss you, brod]. Ugh.

[I am thankful to have met my Fatima. I feel that I have a better outlook of the world and more especially myself. I feel untangled, free. The one thing I realized just now, right at this very moment... she saved me. Prior to my trip, more specifically before meeting her... I had been miserable. I felt like giving up. But thanks to her... all that has changed. I changed... for the better.]

Journal Entry from...071812

7/18/2012 Cebu City, Cebu (edited)

Time is flying by - only 9 days and I have to fly off back to reality.
[I have told the story of my Fatima and in this trip, I finally met her with my whole world totally turned around.] Two days ago, I opened up to her and shared my intentions that I really like her and if she is interested that I would happily pursue this relationship despite the circumstance (REALLY long distance!!) and I told her that she didn't have to answer me right away. [Just trying to leave her an 'out'] ---- nerve racking

I cannot describe this attraction I have for her. Thankfully for myself, she also opened up that the attraction was not one-sided [/cheer]. I know that long distance relationships are a lot of work - a lot.. I have been there. I absolutely want her to say 'YES' but if she answers 'no', I can not really blame her because there is no easy way around it. At least for now we shall wait and see but in the meantime, we are going to enjoy each other.

then again, the clock is ticking...

It happened!

Opening myself out into the blog was only possible due to anonymity behind it (except of course for the few who I have shared this to). In truth though, I am a very private person. Through the years, I have slowly put up more and more walls around myself with allowing very few to get through. All the heartbreaks, drama, and pain simply piled on more to my walls, my defenses.

Slight tangent... since my last relationship, I have imposed 3 rules for myself when it comes to dating:

1. I do not date anyone two years younger or older than myself.

2. I do not date friends, or friends of family because if shit hits the fan, you can never go back.

3. I do not date Filipinos (I adapted this from one of my best friends... I have enough Filipino drama on my end. Why should I add more to my drama?)

Then enter... Fatima. She changed everything for me. My walls shattered into a million pieces... every instinct reversed. Totally unexpected... every single rule that I had. For the first time in a very long time, I was fully open to someone, defenseless and I wasn't even drunk. The vulnerability was absolutely scary for me. I was surprised at the change in me. All because of her... Fatima.

From the book of Alberto... 1

7/8/2012 On that evening, I heard a lot of stories including some profound lessons in life from my uncle (according to him, he learned these from my grandfather... Alberto). In life, we are to take every obstacle as a challenge, to take responsibility for every action and in building relationships, it is no easy task but treat people as how they ought to be treated. Granted, my uncle was shitfaced when he was preaching his message but they truly were words of wisdom...Despite the circumstances take pride and responsibility in your actions and your family.

Probably one of the most hilarious stories I have heard came from my drunk uncle. One of the few joys of life, he was recounting a little treat in what used to be a floating casino called The Philippine Dream. According to my uncle, one of the greatest attractions was a shot called the 'Tequila Sunrise.' His description of the scenario was interesting enough but his delivery was epic. Apparently in service this drink, a topless waitress comes along with a tray with tequila, salt, and lemon. The waitress then places the lemon  between her lips and allows the guest to place salt around her bare nipples.... well if you know how to drink tequila, then you know how it goes.

The one thing I can say about the men in my family is that they are few and far between... in the dozens of cousins that I have, there are only a handful of men. A very resounding trait among the men in my family is that they are lovers of women... to some more than one woman. From my grandfather to my uncles and to my cousins and prior to this trip, myself (Fatima changed my outlook in this regard, more on that later)... we have a great appreciation for women, multiple women. According to a certain uncle, for every man is three women and it is the men's social responsibility to love women... and trust me, he was a true follower of this belief but of course the most 'responsible' man in the family was my grandfather. He LOVED women... enough said.

My Trip!!!

So after 6 long years, I went home again. Obviously I wasn't able to update in real time but I did do some old school journal-ing...

7/1/2012 Korean Airlines (Flight KE038 to South Korea - 1st leg)

It has been a long time since I have been able to reflect on myself. Of all places, it had to be when I am thousands of feet in the air - then again whats the best way to disconnect yourself from the world.


I am on the first leg of my flight to Cebu. A long awaited trip that I have been yearning dying to do. I feel that I have lost so much over these past few years - so much of myself. I don't know how or why that happened. All I care right now is that I feel more alive, warm.. I feel my heart pounding in my chest..its been a while.


---
Fatima  -(this is my special label for this particular topic.. if you like romances take note of this label)

Before I move on further, a little roll back in time in case I failed to ever mention this snippet before. Back in March, one of my many cousins in the Philippines messaged me (I can't recall if it was Facebook or Yahoo IM) saying that she had someone she wanted me to get to know. After I first read this.. I was like 'ya, ok.' I didn't think much of it because there have been PLENTY of people who have approached me proclaiming that they have someone PERFECT for me to meet. So I just shrugged this off until a few days later, my cousin sent me another message giving me this gal's email address. I was surprised that she actually followed through. Trusting my cousin's instincts, I emailed this lady... lets name her Fatima (if you Fatima are reading this I sure hope you remember this reference). With even greater surprise, Fatima replied back. We emailed each other over the next few months. On my part, there was an initial attraction there from reading her emails... a very strong, opinionated personality but isn't afraid to try.

I'll end this for now but trust me...remember the label ' Fatima '