So a lot has happened in the past five days - a lot. Big news was she said 'yes.'
( She said 'Yes' the first time on July 19th but still with plenty of uncertainty. After further consideration, she said 'Yes' again the day after I wrote this journal entry. Since we could not exactly decide when the 'Yes' moment was, we ended up doing a coin toss and decided on July 24. This would be the official date of when we would have changed our Facebook status to 'in a relationship', had we actually cared about that... Anyhow, back to the story)
Sadly, she still had some reservations [which I can't really blame her for considering the circumstances but at least she is committing to this relationship]. [Another big this was..] Last night was a huge revelation for me. A tremendous eye opener into myself and how much exactly I like this gal [Fatima].. [and of how much of myself has changed because of her].
I never thought I could ever go back to the days when I was young, when i dreamed of happy endings, when I wasn't so callous and casual about sex, when I jumped without looking [or thinking]. In these past few weeks, I changed. I fell in love again. I have fallen so hard [and so deep] that I am scared. This has been the most vulnerable I have felt in more than a decade. All the defenses and walls I have guilt up over there years have simply fallen away. Its crazy. I do not even feel comfortable in my own skin right now. [All because this feeling has become such an unfamiliar sensation. I never thought I could be so attracted, so drawn to someone this much.] Its not necessarily a bad thing. Actually, I am very proud of myself from last night [the details of which are extremely private] but it was just so unlike my previous self ...[before I made the trip, before I met my Fatima].
Coming home tonight though - FUCK. I am a mess. I really want things to work out with this gal. Prior to her there has only been one other person who I have opened up to, my best friend LDO. Sadly, he has passed. [Miss you, brod]. Ugh.
[I am thankful to have met my Fatima. I feel that I have a better outlook of the world and more especially myself. I feel untangled, free. The one thing I realized just now, right at this very moment... she saved me. Prior to my trip, more specifically before meeting her... I had been miserable. I felt like giving up. But thanks to her... all that has changed. I changed... for the better.]
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