1 month...

For my Fatima...

Since we couldn't decide when to make it official... July 19th or the 24th... we ended up tossing a coin and landed in favor of the 24th.

It feels like forever since I last saw my Fatima but the past month seemed to have flew by. My only regret is that I wish she were with me. I will just have to be patient...

I know flowers are so cliche but you must admit, they are beautiful. I would like to thank my supporting cast in assisting me in this project.

The Book of Alberto... 2

Silence is golden.

More words of wisdom from my dear uncle and embraced also by my grandfather. Though their silence pertains primarily on their extramarital relationships. As great respect I have for my grandfather and my uncle/s... I think they are wrong in this regard. I do understand that it was a different time, a different mentality, a different culture. When they preach about taking responsibility, isn't honesty being a part of it? ... 

I must admit the rule is simply but does go a long way. Recently, I have made many revelations in my life and most especially in myself... if you have read the past posts I am sure you can see the contributing factors one of which has been the written works of Paulo Coehlo (and my Fatima especially... after all she was also the one who introduced me to this author). 

More wisdom from Paulo Coehlo from Eleven Minutes...

'Although we didn't take our clothes off and I didn't come inside you, or even touch you, we've made love.' ....

'I've learned that waiting is the most difficult bit, and I wanted to get used to the feeling, knowing that you're with me, even when you're not by my side.' 

... I think its ignorant to say that people never change. In the past decade, I created an impervious shell around myself simply to protect ME. But now that all that has come down and laid my shit out... I feel that I bettered myself... a better Man.

[Rant] Reflection of 8/13 [edited]

The shitty part about being so vulnerable is that it always feels like you're just a small shove away from the world crashing down on you. I still do not regret opening up or let someone in... just the fact that I was able to was totally unexpected.
Life truly is full of surprises... I guess just a matter of the roads we take, the voices we listen to and the people we surround ourselves. I don't really know where I am going with this but then again.. who gives a fuck.
______

For the first time in who knows how long I can remember, I actually opened up to my mother.Yes, I OPENED UP to my mother. For a good three minutes, I was quite nice... but that was just exactly how long it lasted. I guess it was never in the gene-pool. I guess I'll just have to slowly keep poking at it. Despite everything, she is my mother. You get only one, right?

[So... I guess that was just an opener for my mom. She sat me down and actually talked to me. A lot of the things she said were things that I have already thought, that I had already knew but hearing her say it made it seem all the more wiser. My mom is a very strong, intelligent and emotional woman. She has my respect and my love, though I don't say it much.]

A Journal Entry from... 072312

7/23/2012... Cebu, Philippines (edited)

So a lot has happened in the past five days - a lot. Big news was she said 'yes.'
( She said 'Yes' the first time on July 19th but still with plenty of uncertainty. After further consideration, she said 'Yes' again the day after I wrote this journal entry. Since we could not exactly decide when the 'Yes' moment was, we ended up doing a coin toss and decided on July 24. This would be the official date of when we would have changed our Facebook status to 'in a relationship', had we actually cared about that... Anyhow, back to the story)
Sadly, she still had some reservations [which I can't really blame her for considering the circumstances but at least she is committing to this relationship]. [Another big this was..] Last night was a huge revelation for me. A tremendous eye opener into myself and how much exactly I like this gal [Fatima].. [and of how much of myself has changed because of her].

I never thought I could ever go back to the days when I was young, when i dreamed of happy endings, when I wasn't so callous and casual about sex, when I jumped without looking [or thinking]. In these past few weeks, I changed. I fell in love again. I have fallen so hard [and so deep] that I am scared. This has been the most vulnerable I have felt in more than a decade. All the defenses and walls I have guilt up over there years have simply fallen away. Its crazy. I do not even feel comfortable in my own skin right now. [All because this feeling has become such an unfamiliar sensation. I never thought I could be so attracted, so drawn to someone this much.] Its not necessarily a bad thing. Actually, I am very proud of myself from last night [the details of which are extremely private] but it was just so unlike my previous self ...[before I made the trip, before I met my Fatima].

Coming home tonight though - FUCK. I am a mess. I really want things to work out with this gal. Prior to her there has only been one other person who I have opened up to, my best friend LDO. Sadly, he has passed. [Miss you, brod]. Ugh.

[I am thankful to have met my Fatima. I feel that I have a better outlook of the world and more especially myself. I feel untangled, free. The one thing I realized just now, right at this very moment... she saved me. Prior to my trip, more specifically before meeting her... I had been miserable. I felt like giving up. But thanks to her... all that has changed. I changed... for the better.]

Moving away from my trip and journal updates...

A quote I came across just a few hours ago struck a cord... (probably would have been a huge light bulb moment had I read it before my trip)

"Life is too short, or too long, for me to allow myself the luxury of living it so badly." - Eleven Minutes, Paulo Coelho

In the three and a half weeks that I was away, so much has changed in me; as if things have just fallen into place. Its been two weeks that I am back into reality and everything has rolled back into place... but I feel at ease. Nothing like the tense, frustrated, weakened and nearly-broken version of myself a month and a half ago. I sat outside with the sun in my eyes, a cool breeze behind me, music blasting yards away and the zooming of cars and trains ringing clearly in my ears yet... I felt a sense of quiet, calmness.

For the first time in a very long time... I can honestly say that I am happy with where I am in life, with myself.

Journal Entry from...071812

7/18/2012 Cebu City, Cebu (edited)

Time is flying by - only 9 days and I have to fly off back to reality.
[I have told the story of my Fatima and in this trip, I finally met her with my whole world totally turned around.] Two days ago, I opened up to her and shared my intentions that I really like her and if she is interested that I would happily pursue this relationship despite the circumstance (REALLY long distance!!) and I told her that she didn't have to answer me right away. [Just trying to leave her an 'out'] ---- nerve racking

I cannot describe this attraction I have for her. Thankfully for myself, she also opened up that the attraction was not one-sided [/cheer]. I know that long distance relationships are a lot of work - a lot.. I have been there. I absolutely want her to say 'YES' but if she answers 'no', I can not really blame her because there is no easy way around it. At least for now we shall wait and see but in the meantime, we are going to enjoy each other.

then again, the clock is ticking...

It happened!

Opening myself out into the blog was only possible due to anonymity behind it (except of course for the few who I have shared this to). In truth though, I am a very private person. Through the years, I have slowly put up more and more walls around myself with allowing very few to get through. All the heartbreaks, drama, and pain simply piled on more to my walls, my defenses.

Slight tangent... since my last relationship, I have imposed 3 rules for myself when it comes to dating:

1. I do not date anyone two years younger or older than myself.

2. I do not date friends, or friends of family because if shit hits the fan, you can never go back.

3. I do not date Filipinos (I adapted this from one of my best friends... I have enough Filipino drama on my end. Why should I add more to my drama?)

Then enter... Fatima. She changed everything for me. My walls shattered into a million pieces... every instinct reversed. Totally unexpected... every single rule that I had. For the first time in a very long time, I was fully open to someone, defenseless and I wasn't even drunk. The vulnerability was absolutely scary for me. I was surprised at the change in me. All because of her... Fatima.

A forgotten memory...

While on my trip one of my father-uncles shared a little something to me. When I was in the fourth grade, I had a school project which involved laying out my family tree. Apparently when I submitted my project, it shocked my teacher. Under the block/circle or whatever that designated my dad, I wrote my father-uncle's name. When I was asked why I wrote my father-uncle's name, I answered that my biological father (who I haven't met yet at that time) never comes home...

                      ***Sidenote: This particular father-uncle is a seaman... He goes abroad on a                                                                                                           boat/carrier for 6 months at a time and comes home for 3 months and the cycle continues. My brilliant mother tells me that my dad (my biological father) also goes abroad but he has never returned to see me. The kicker was every birthday and Christmas, my mother would always give me a gift saying its from my dad.... what a total mind-fuck, right?***          

My Mango Tree

My teacher and my father-uncle are childhood friends. My teacher then reports to him what had happened. They were shocked... and so did I when I heard this again. I can't believe that I forgot this story. I remember while I was growing up, I used to tell my friends that my dad drowned on soup. At one point, I placed a picture of the actor, Dean Cain, into my wallet and claimed that he was my dad. It worked for a while until my best friend called me out on it.My drama piles on early in my life.

The tree on the right is apparently a mango seed that I planted when I was 9 years old. It has supposedly grown pretty well... but a got chopped down by my uncle's brother-in-law. Thankfully, it didn't die and it is reaching out with its tiny branches to live!!!

From the book of Alberto... 1

7/8/2012 On that evening, I heard a lot of stories including some profound lessons in life from my uncle (according to him, he learned these from my grandfather... Alberto). In life, we are to take every obstacle as a challenge, to take responsibility for every action and in building relationships, it is no easy task but treat people as how they ought to be treated. Granted, my uncle was shitfaced when he was preaching his message but they truly were words of wisdom...Despite the circumstances take pride and responsibility in your actions and your family.

Probably one of the most hilarious stories I have heard came from my drunk uncle. One of the few joys of life, he was recounting a little treat in what used to be a floating casino called The Philippine Dream. According to my uncle, one of the greatest attractions was a shot called the 'Tequila Sunrise.' His description of the scenario was interesting enough but his delivery was epic. Apparently in service this drink, a topless waitress comes along with a tray with tequila, salt, and lemon. The waitress then places the lemon  between her lips and allows the guest to place salt around her bare nipples.... well if you know how to drink tequila, then you know how it goes.

The one thing I can say about the men in my family is that they are few and far between... in the dozens of cousins that I have, there are only a handful of men. A very resounding trait among the men in my family is that they are lovers of women... to some more than one woman. From my grandfather to my uncles and to my cousins and prior to this trip, myself (Fatima changed my outlook in this regard, more on that later)... we have a great appreciation for women, multiple women. According to a certain uncle, for every man is three women and it is the men's social responsibility to love women... and trust me, he was a true follower of this belief but of course the most 'responsible' man in the family was my grandfather. He LOVED women... enough said.

7/7/2012... I'm too lazy to count how many days that is....

I spent my last New Year's Eve at my grandmother's home town. It was and is a small rural community in one of the southern regions in the Philippines. Peace and quiet... with the beach only a block from the house, its a great getaway. 

When I arrived, the town was all the same even the people but older. Taking those first steps into the ocean, a rush of memories come to mind. Allowing the cool breeze rushing to my nostrils, the soft salty sting of the water, the gentle rays of light beaming through the clouds... utopia (for me at least).

As a child, I hated coming here. I had nothing to do. After all the years I have spent in the chaos of life, I have a better appreciation of this place. Simple. Beautiful. 

Estranged...

For more than have my life, my dad has not been in my life. The first twelve years... well that was my mother's choice not to have him involved. The past six on the other hand well... apparently just shit luck.

A few days ago, I finally reconnected with my dad again. The last time I heard from him was six years prior during my last visit home. It was a pleasure to see him again especially since he looked better (and in better health.. my dad is a hardheaded diabetic) now than the last time I saw him. I can still remember him staring at his cellphone simply a few inches away because his poor eyesight, a complication of uncontrolled diabetes. He is still stubborn as ever though -- I got that trait from both ends. Apparently, things went bad to worse for him (health-wise) in 2010 with his health crashing and year prior, he lost his cellphone which explains his absence. 

I am just happy that he is doing alright - could certainly be better. I was bitter, frustrated and angry at his disappearance. I guess we'll just have to wait and see if he decides to stay in my life. 

So more on my vacay..

 7/6/2012  So much has changed around me, the roads, the streets - but it still feels like home. Its such a joy to be here again. After many long years, I have finally smelled the sea air again, the sweet salty sting as I dive into the blue ocean. Its been far too long... the family- the warmth, the joy and the comfort of being with them.

My Trip!!!

So after 6 long years, I went home again. Obviously I wasn't able to update in real time but I did do some old school journal-ing...

7/1/2012 Korean Airlines (Flight KE038 to South Korea - 1st leg)

It has been a long time since I have been able to reflect on myself. Of all places, it had to be when I am thousands of feet in the air - then again whats the best way to disconnect yourself from the world.


I am on the first leg of my flight to Cebu. A long awaited trip that I have been yearning dying to do. I feel that I have lost so much over these past few years - so much of myself. I don't know how or why that happened. All I care right now is that I feel more alive, warm.. I feel my heart pounding in my chest..its been a while.


---
Fatima  -(this is my special label for this particular topic.. if you like romances take note of this label)

Before I move on further, a little roll back in time in case I failed to ever mention this snippet before. Back in March, one of my many cousins in the Philippines messaged me (I can't recall if it was Facebook or Yahoo IM) saying that she had someone she wanted me to get to know. After I first read this.. I was like 'ya, ok.' I didn't think much of it because there have been PLENTY of people who have approached me proclaiming that they have someone PERFECT for me to meet. So I just shrugged this off until a few days later, my cousin sent me another message giving me this gal's email address. I was surprised that she actually followed through. Trusting my cousin's instincts, I emailed this lady... lets name her Fatima (if you Fatima are reading this I sure hope you remember this reference). With even greater surprise, Fatima replied back. We emailed each other over the next few months. On my part, there was an initial attraction there from reading her emails... a very strong, opinionated personality but isn't afraid to try.

I'll end this for now but trust me...remember the label ' Fatima '

I'm back..

3 things happened in the past month that has kept me away from blogging. First, Diablo 3 came out of the shelves. For those who


I originally started to write this post on June 29, a few days before my trip to the Philippines, hoping to get caught up then work in a little play by play of my vacation. As you can see, it is already August. So... here's the recap up until June 29. The 3 things that kept me busy..umm actually now I can only remember 2. So the 2 things that kept me away.. 1. Diablo 3 and 2. Work.

1. Diablo 3 is a silly computer game. Indeed it is a silly game but silly me got hooked, just a little bit. So rather than updating my blog, I logged on and played. What can I say, I get addicted easily.

2. Work... well with the my upcoming vacation, I played catch up with whatever work I left unfinished which apparently was a lot. I was still finishing up at the office 3 hours before my flight. During that last week, I only clocked in roughly about 15 hours of sleep. I was determined.

So those were the two big things... oh ya, remember how I was training a lot for my BJJ tournament. Well I lasted a little longer than before but ended up losing yet again. C'est la vie. It doesn't really bother me much. I do enjoy rolling and getting healthier. I just need to work harder and put more time on the mat.

Edit: I remembered my original #3 reason why I disappeared! I was training for the Canadian cancer bike ride.