I do miss...

Afternoon delights.... I haven't had one in a long time... a really long time. Taking my lunch break from a busy day for a little fun time; certainly a great way to get that second wind to finish off the day.

This has been the longest time that I have not had any action and I am actually okay with it. I guess it just piles on to exactly how much and/or how crazy I am for my Fatima... long distance relationships suck but sadly this is how it is right now.

One of those things...

I woke up 530am. I message my Fatima to wish her a wonderful morning. I continue to lay in bed for a few more minutes then the most random memory came to mind... my ex-daughter-ish (I have no idea how exactly to describe that whole relationship). I remembered her early in the morning roughly around 5-530am, which was when she typically woke up. She would crawl over me to tuck herself between myself and my ex. Then promptly at 6am, she would wake me up demanding for her "Mickey Mouse Club House" show. I would make her breakfast, park her on my futon, TV on for her show as I laid behind her.

I have no idea what to make of this. Anyhow, yeah... really weird start for a nippy Friday morning.

one of those things that reminds us of how short life can be...

In my last post, I told you the story of all the people my grandfather helped in his lifetime. One of those people was my Uncle B. My grandfather helped him and his family through some hardships; allowed them to build a home on his land. Over time, he was more than just my grandfather's drinking buddy... he was family. In my grandfather's final days, Uncle B was there with him within an arms reach ready to help in every way imaginable.

As I grew up, I had the privilege to get to know Uncle B and his family. I played with his children, all of whom were older than me. They welcomed me into their home, share meals with them. To me, they were family. During the summers when all my other cousins were away, I would go over to their home in the middle of the day to sit and talk. He even taught me a little carpentry. I also joined in on some farming. I remember the time when I helped them harvest sugar canes then enjoying fresh sugar cane juice, digging the ground for peanuts, climbing the tall Kamansi (Breadfruit) trees to pluck the delicious fruit. Granted most may see it as the 'simple life' but through that I grew to appreciate and respect the land... the worth of a hard day's work.

I write this post in the memory of my Uncle B. Sadly, he passed away yesterday. I at least had the pleasure to see him again on my last trip home. There is no way to put to words how grateful I am to him, his family. He has been a great influence in my life. My prayers go out to him and his family. May he rest in God's endless love.

The Book of Alberto... 3

Among the many things that I have learned from my grandfather, one of the most important lesson was to help people without any thought or expectation of compensation. In the summers that I spent strolling around with him, he brought me to meet people of various backgrounds, and creeds. He introduced  me to these people and their families getting to know their livelihood, the varying personalities. In the end, I find that all these people revolve around my grandfather because he has helped them in one way or another. Even in the last days of my grandfather, these people stayed with by his hospital bed to help watch over him. 

My grandfather was not a perfect but he was a great man. I pray that I can at least be half the man he was.

One thing I realized recently, who needs a father when I already have so many father- figures who have taught me more than they realize.

A jumble of thoughts...

I am not really sure what I am trying to achieve with this post but my head is crammed with a string of thoughts that don't seem to tie together so I figure just let it out...

1. Have you ever had that pitting feeling in your stomach that you aren't sure what the cause is?  Or at least not able to pinpoint exactly what is causing it.. Right now my stomach is in knots? I know for sure it wasn't the ribs from Ribfest (which apparently is the largest rib event in North America). I can narrow down what are the probable causes but again I can't really figure it out.

2. Perfection, I think, is an illusion specifically when talking about people. I am the first to admit to myself that I am imperfect. I am flawed and at times I certainly feel broken.

3. The saying "Good guys always finish last" has been a thought that I have wrestled around in my head for a very long time. I think I am a good guy... There have been many good things that have happened in my life moreso recently that disproves this statement but at the same over the many years I get the short end of the stick, the kick in the mouth, the stab in the back, the gut reching feeling of loss, the heart break.

4. I think one of the main reasons why I started this blog was really because I was hanging on by a thread. I did not know which direction to go or what to do... And at certain times what to live for. The past two years has been particularly rough to a point that's made me question myself.

5. I fell in love. Some times I am scared because I wouldn't want to lose her that I fallen deeply for... Which is way I lay everything out there, out in the open. My Fatima...

Well that's certainly a load off... I think I'll be able to sleep now.

1 month...

For my Fatima...

Since we couldn't decide when to make it official... July 19th or the 24th... we ended up tossing a coin and landed in favor of the 24th.

It feels like forever since I last saw my Fatima but the past month seemed to have flew by. My only regret is that I wish she were with me. I will just have to be patient...

I know flowers are so cliche but you must admit, they are beautiful. I would like to thank my supporting cast in assisting me in this project.

The Book of Alberto... 2

Silence is golden.

More words of wisdom from my dear uncle and embraced also by my grandfather. Though their silence pertains primarily on their extramarital relationships. As great respect I have for my grandfather and my uncle/s... I think they are wrong in this regard. I do understand that it was a different time, a different mentality, a different culture. When they preach about taking responsibility, isn't honesty being a part of it? ... 

I must admit the rule is simply but does go a long way. Recently, I have made many revelations in my life and most especially in myself... if you have read the past posts I am sure you can see the contributing factors one of which has been the written works of Paulo Coehlo (and my Fatima especially... after all she was also the one who introduced me to this author). 

More wisdom from Paulo Coehlo from Eleven Minutes...

'Although we didn't take our clothes off and I didn't come inside you, or even touch you, we've made love.' ....

'I've learned that waiting is the most difficult bit, and I wanted to get used to the feeling, knowing that you're with me, even when you're not by my side.' 

... I think its ignorant to say that people never change. In the past decade, I created an impervious shell around myself simply to protect ME. But now that all that has come down and laid my shit out... I feel that I bettered myself... a better Man.

[Rant] Reflection of 8/13 [edited]

The shitty part about being so vulnerable is that it always feels like you're just a small shove away from the world crashing down on you. I still do not regret opening up or let someone in... just the fact that I was able to was totally unexpected.
Life truly is full of surprises... I guess just a matter of the roads we take, the voices we listen to and the people we surround ourselves. I don't really know where I am going with this but then again.. who gives a fuck.
______

For the first time in who knows how long I can remember, I actually opened up to my mother.Yes, I OPENED UP to my mother. For a good three minutes, I was quite nice... but that was just exactly how long it lasted. I guess it was never in the gene-pool. I guess I'll just have to slowly keep poking at it. Despite everything, she is my mother. You get only one, right?

[So... I guess that was just an opener for my mom. She sat me down and actually talked to me. A lot of the things she said were things that I have already thought, that I had already knew but hearing her say it made it seem all the more wiser. My mom is a very strong, intelligent and emotional woman. She has my respect and my love, though I don't say it much.]

A Journal Entry from... 072312

7/23/2012... Cebu, Philippines (edited)

So a lot has happened in the past five days - a lot. Big news was she said 'yes.'
( She said 'Yes' the first time on July 19th but still with plenty of uncertainty. After further consideration, she said 'Yes' again the day after I wrote this journal entry. Since we could not exactly decide when the 'Yes' moment was, we ended up doing a coin toss and decided on July 24. This would be the official date of when we would have changed our Facebook status to 'in a relationship', had we actually cared about that... Anyhow, back to the story)
Sadly, she still had some reservations [which I can't really blame her for considering the circumstances but at least she is committing to this relationship]. [Another big this was..] Last night was a huge revelation for me. A tremendous eye opener into myself and how much exactly I like this gal [Fatima].. [and of how much of myself has changed because of her].

I never thought I could ever go back to the days when I was young, when i dreamed of happy endings, when I wasn't so callous and casual about sex, when I jumped without looking [or thinking]. In these past few weeks, I changed. I fell in love again. I have fallen so hard [and so deep] that I am scared. This has been the most vulnerable I have felt in more than a decade. All the defenses and walls I have guilt up over there years have simply fallen away. Its crazy. I do not even feel comfortable in my own skin right now. [All because this feeling has become such an unfamiliar sensation. I never thought I could be so attracted, so drawn to someone this much.] Its not necessarily a bad thing. Actually, I am very proud of myself from last night [the details of which are extremely private] but it was just so unlike my previous self ...[before I made the trip, before I met my Fatima].

Coming home tonight though - FUCK. I am a mess. I really want things to work out with this gal. Prior to her there has only been one other person who I have opened up to, my best friend LDO. Sadly, he has passed. [Miss you, brod]. Ugh.

[I am thankful to have met my Fatima. I feel that I have a better outlook of the world and more especially myself. I feel untangled, free. The one thing I realized just now, right at this very moment... she saved me. Prior to my trip, more specifically before meeting her... I had been miserable. I felt like giving up. But thanks to her... all that has changed. I changed... for the better.]

Moving away from my trip and journal updates...

A quote I came across just a few hours ago struck a cord... (probably would have been a huge light bulb moment had I read it before my trip)

"Life is too short, or too long, for me to allow myself the luxury of living it so badly." - Eleven Minutes, Paulo Coelho

In the three and a half weeks that I was away, so much has changed in me; as if things have just fallen into place. Its been two weeks that I am back into reality and everything has rolled back into place... but I feel at ease. Nothing like the tense, frustrated, weakened and nearly-broken version of myself a month and a half ago. I sat outside with the sun in my eyes, a cool breeze behind me, music blasting yards away and the zooming of cars and trains ringing clearly in my ears yet... I felt a sense of quiet, calmness.

For the first time in a very long time... I can honestly say that I am happy with where I am in life, with myself.

Journal Entry from...071812

7/18/2012 Cebu City, Cebu (edited)

Time is flying by - only 9 days and I have to fly off back to reality.
[I have told the story of my Fatima and in this trip, I finally met her with my whole world totally turned around.] Two days ago, I opened up to her and shared my intentions that I really like her and if she is interested that I would happily pursue this relationship despite the circumstance (REALLY long distance!!) and I told her that she didn't have to answer me right away. [Just trying to leave her an 'out'] ---- nerve racking

I cannot describe this attraction I have for her. Thankfully for myself, she also opened up that the attraction was not one-sided [/cheer]. I know that long distance relationships are a lot of work - a lot.. I have been there. I absolutely want her to say 'YES' but if she answers 'no', I can not really blame her because there is no easy way around it. At least for now we shall wait and see but in the meantime, we are going to enjoy each other.

then again, the clock is ticking...

It happened!

Opening myself out into the blog was only possible due to anonymity behind it (except of course for the few who I have shared this to). In truth though, I am a very private person. Through the years, I have slowly put up more and more walls around myself with allowing very few to get through. All the heartbreaks, drama, and pain simply piled on more to my walls, my defenses.

Slight tangent... since my last relationship, I have imposed 3 rules for myself when it comes to dating:

1. I do not date anyone two years younger or older than myself.

2. I do not date friends, or friends of family because if shit hits the fan, you can never go back.

3. I do not date Filipinos (I adapted this from one of my best friends... I have enough Filipino drama on my end. Why should I add more to my drama?)

Then enter... Fatima. She changed everything for me. My walls shattered into a million pieces... every instinct reversed. Totally unexpected... every single rule that I had. For the first time in a very long time, I was fully open to someone, defenseless and I wasn't even drunk. The vulnerability was absolutely scary for me. I was surprised at the change in me. All because of her... Fatima.

A forgotten memory...

While on my trip one of my father-uncles shared a little something to me. When I was in the fourth grade, I had a school project which involved laying out my family tree. Apparently when I submitted my project, it shocked my teacher. Under the block/circle or whatever that designated my dad, I wrote my father-uncle's name. When I was asked why I wrote my father-uncle's name, I answered that my biological father (who I haven't met yet at that time) never comes home...

                      ***Sidenote: This particular father-uncle is a seaman... He goes abroad on a                                                                                                           boat/carrier for 6 months at a time and comes home for 3 months and the cycle continues. My brilliant mother tells me that my dad (my biological father) also goes abroad but he has never returned to see me. The kicker was every birthday and Christmas, my mother would always give me a gift saying its from my dad.... what a total mind-fuck, right?***          

My Mango Tree

My teacher and my father-uncle are childhood friends. My teacher then reports to him what had happened. They were shocked... and so did I when I heard this again. I can't believe that I forgot this story. I remember while I was growing up, I used to tell my friends that my dad drowned on soup. At one point, I placed a picture of the actor, Dean Cain, into my wallet and claimed that he was my dad. It worked for a while until my best friend called me out on it.My drama piles on early in my life.

The tree on the right is apparently a mango seed that I planted when I was 9 years old. It has supposedly grown pretty well... but a got chopped down by my uncle's brother-in-law. Thankfully, it didn't die and it is reaching out with its tiny branches to live!!!

From the book of Alberto... 1

7/8/2012 On that evening, I heard a lot of stories including some profound lessons in life from my uncle (according to him, he learned these from my grandfather... Alberto). In life, we are to take every obstacle as a challenge, to take responsibility for every action and in building relationships, it is no easy task but treat people as how they ought to be treated. Granted, my uncle was shitfaced when he was preaching his message but they truly were words of wisdom...Despite the circumstances take pride and responsibility in your actions and your family.

Probably one of the most hilarious stories I have heard came from my drunk uncle. One of the few joys of life, he was recounting a little treat in what used to be a floating casino called The Philippine Dream. According to my uncle, one of the greatest attractions was a shot called the 'Tequila Sunrise.' His description of the scenario was interesting enough but his delivery was epic. Apparently in service this drink, a topless waitress comes along with a tray with tequila, salt, and lemon. The waitress then places the lemon  between her lips and allows the guest to place salt around her bare nipples.... well if you know how to drink tequila, then you know how it goes.

The one thing I can say about the men in my family is that they are few and far between... in the dozens of cousins that I have, there are only a handful of men. A very resounding trait among the men in my family is that they are lovers of women... to some more than one woman. From my grandfather to my uncles and to my cousins and prior to this trip, myself (Fatima changed my outlook in this regard, more on that later)... we have a great appreciation for women, multiple women. According to a certain uncle, for every man is three women and it is the men's social responsibility to love women... and trust me, he was a true follower of this belief but of course the most 'responsible' man in the family was my grandfather. He LOVED women... enough said.

7/7/2012... I'm too lazy to count how many days that is....

I spent my last New Year's Eve at my grandmother's home town. It was and is a small rural community in one of the southern regions in the Philippines. Peace and quiet... with the beach only a block from the house, its a great getaway. 

When I arrived, the town was all the same even the people but older. Taking those first steps into the ocean, a rush of memories come to mind. Allowing the cool breeze rushing to my nostrils, the soft salty sting of the water, the gentle rays of light beaming through the clouds... utopia (for me at least).

As a child, I hated coming here. I had nothing to do. After all the years I have spent in the chaos of life, I have a better appreciation of this place. Simple. Beautiful. 

Estranged...

For more than have my life, my dad has not been in my life. The first twelve years... well that was my mother's choice not to have him involved. The past six on the other hand well... apparently just shit luck.

A few days ago, I finally reconnected with my dad again. The last time I heard from him was six years prior during my last visit home. It was a pleasure to see him again especially since he looked better (and in better health.. my dad is a hardheaded diabetic) now than the last time I saw him. I can still remember him staring at his cellphone simply a few inches away because his poor eyesight, a complication of uncontrolled diabetes. He is still stubborn as ever though -- I got that trait from both ends. Apparently, things went bad to worse for him (health-wise) in 2010 with his health crashing and year prior, he lost his cellphone which explains his absence. 

I am just happy that he is doing alright - could certainly be better. I was bitter, frustrated and angry at his disappearance. I guess we'll just have to wait and see if he decides to stay in my life. 

So more on my vacay..

 7/6/2012  So much has changed around me, the roads, the streets - but it still feels like home. Its such a joy to be here again. After many long years, I have finally smelled the sea air again, the sweet salty sting as I dive into the blue ocean. Its been far too long... the family- the warmth, the joy and the comfort of being with them.

My Trip!!!

So after 6 long years, I went home again. Obviously I wasn't able to update in real time but I did do some old school journal-ing...

7/1/2012 Korean Airlines (Flight KE038 to South Korea - 1st leg)

It has been a long time since I have been able to reflect on myself. Of all places, it had to be when I am thousands of feet in the air - then again whats the best way to disconnect yourself from the world.


I am on the first leg of my flight to Cebu. A long awaited trip that I have been yearning dying to do. I feel that I have lost so much over these past few years - so much of myself. I don't know how or why that happened. All I care right now is that I feel more alive, warm.. I feel my heart pounding in my chest..its been a while.


---
Fatima  -(this is my special label for this particular topic.. if you like romances take note of this label)

Before I move on further, a little roll back in time in case I failed to ever mention this snippet before. Back in March, one of my many cousins in the Philippines messaged me (I can't recall if it was Facebook or Yahoo IM) saying that she had someone she wanted me to get to know. After I first read this.. I was like 'ya, ok.' I didn't think much of it because there have been PLENTY of people who have approached me proclaiming that they have someone PERFECT for me to meet. So I just shrugged this off until a few days later, my cousin sent me another message giving me this gal's email address. I was surprised that she actually followed through. Trusting my cousin's instincts, I emailed this lady... lets name her Fatima (if you Fatima are reading this I sure hope you remember this reference). With even greater surprise, Fatima replied back. We emailed each other over the next few months. On my part, there was an initial attraction there from reading her emails... a very strong, opinionated personality but isn't afraid to try.

I'll end this for now but trust me...remember the label ' Fatima '

I'm back..

3 things happened in the past month that has kept me away from blogging. First, Diablo 3 came out of the shelves. For those who


I originally started to write this post on June 29, a few days before my trip to the Philippines, hoping to get caught up then work in a little play by play of my vacation. As you can see, it is already August. So... here's the recap up until June 29. The 3 things that kept me busy..umm actually now I can only remember 2. So the 2 things that kept me away.. 1. Diablo 3 and 2. Work.

1. Diablo 3 is a silly computer game. Indeed it is a silly game but silly me got hooked, just a little bit. So rather than updating my blog, I logged on and played. What can I say, I get addicted easily.

2. Work... well with the my upcoming vacation, I played catch up with whatever work I left unfinished which apparently was a lot. I was still finishing up at the office 3 hours before my flight. During that last week, I only clocked in roughly about 15 hours of sleep. I was determined.

So those were the two big things... oh ya, remember how I was training a lot for my BJJ tournament. Well I lasted a little longer than before but ended up losing yet again. C'est la vie. It doesn't really bother me much. I do enjoy rolling and getting healthier. I just need to work harder and put more time on the mat.

Edit: I remembered my original #3 reason why I disappeared! I was training for the Canadian cancer bike ride.

So that date I had from Match.com turned out well, though not in the direction that I would have liked. I made a new friend! She is just like one of the guys. She's certainly a breathe of fresh air... for me at least. We almost have all the same interests! Funny fact... she could probably kick my ass if she wanted to. So there's an interesting twist.

So a few weeks ago, my twin cousins came to visit from the Philippines... all I can say is WOW! They have grown so much. I still remember putting on those baby carriers front and back so they would both be hanging on me or when I used to push them around on their two- seater stroller. Now they are just as tall as I am. Time sure flies.

I have to be honest when I was growing up, I was jealous of my twin cousins. One, they got EVERYBODY's attention including my own mother. Well, at least that was how it felt like to me. Secondly, they were never alone... at worst they would have each other. Its irrational I know but at that time, I could not help it.

I have issues... I know.

041611

As the years go by we encounter challenges and choices that either build or break us. We always remember the many accomplishments and accolades we receive with trophies, certificates... pieces of paper, wood or metal that remind us of such triumphs. Our mistakes, on the other hand, we let fade into memory and why wouldn't you. But as we all, there are bells that can never be un-rung.

Inked into my wrist, 041611 marks my most haunting memory thus far. A year ago, I sat there in the waiting room watching the second hand of the clock tick away as my girlfriend, at that time, was wheeled into the procedure room for the abortion of what would have been my child. I am not trying to justify what I had consented to but there various circumstances that contributed to this decision. Primarily, there was a complication with the implantation where my girlfriend continued to bleed due to issue with the umbilical cord. I could not allow her to take on such a risk for herself. Secondly, I am ashamed to say was more of a selfish reason. I would have loved to have a son/daughter... but just not with her. This girl who I knowingly allowed myself to be manipulated.

If I go back a year ago.. under the same circumstances, would I decide to do so again? I don't know. The one thing I know for sure is that... this has not been a moment that I have forgotten that moment and I do not intend to do so. I made sure of that with the tattoo on my wrist. All I can say is.. I am sorry for what was and what could have been...

so there i was...

...gasping for breath, framing up, and pinned under a 200lb guy as we roll out our last 4 minute round in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu class, when I realized how much I miss martial arts and of how badly I have deprived my body of productive physical activity over the winter months that I had been away from all this. I manage to recompose myself into my guard as the timer rings the end of the round. Class ends leaving me drenched in sweat (for the ladies: I was GLISTENING in sweat), bruised but not broken. I am determined and willing. I will do better.

There are a lot of things to look forward to in the coming months but in the forefront is BJJ tournament in May. Two things on my list essential for this upcoming event training and weight. I currently walk around in the 173lb range, though I do not look like I do. With roughly 7 weeks to go, I aim to lose 1-2lbs a week dropping me into 160s for the Lightweight division. Its going to be quite a task but I have done it it before and I will do it again!

I don't know if its typical for most guys...

...but I find myself to be a sucker for chicks in skirts. There are ladies out there who wear barely there skirts practically showing their stuff; these I find, although arousing, down right skanky. A properly worn skirt on a lady can be amazing!

I have met a variety of women/girls in my lifetime may it be from my family, friends or ex's. I have met the high maintenance types, those who done give a shit and even the succubi that suck you dry. From this I found that the ideal gal I like to meet would be someone simple enough that they are able to let their hair down, wear a nice pair of jeans and a clean shirt to go out on a casual stroll or a walk down the beach. But at the same time don the right dress/skirt for the appropriate occasion. I am a man of simple taste who enjoys the simple life and cherish the little things. Someday, perhaps...

Went to bed at midnight and I woke up a half hour ago... my body is itching to get more sleep yet my brain keeps racing. At this point in time, right at this very moment... I am so lost and I don't know what to do with myself, with my life. I don't know if I am just too burnt out or bogged down or just tired of bullshit.



OH ya... so I don't know what it was but last night something snapped in me just out of nowhere. I have this nephew, CBAZ. I love this kid. He is intelligent, energetic and absolutely spoiled. As much as my love my family, this kid has just been spoiled rotten. I admit there have been less than a handful of times where I may have chipped in to this but damn. Last night like any family get together, there was a table FULL of food for our Easter feast. This 3 year old says he only wants eggs and rice... eggs and rice. Guess what everybody does, they scramble to make eggs and rice (well, just the eggs... what Filipino feast would it be if there was no rice). It just, ugh, pushes me the wrong way. Shit.

I remember when I was growing up how my aunt cooked and served us a handful of rice and a pinch of salt for dinner to teach us how those less fortunate would eat and how lucky we are so have what we have. I still remember the taste of rice and salt in my mouth... and how my stomach rumble soon after I finished that handful.

I am nowhere near perfect. If you have read this blog, it would be obvious enough.

I guess it was bound to happen but last week, I went on my first "Match.com" date. I must say it was quite a relief to find out that there are still some intelligent ladies out there. I had almost given up. For confidentiality's sake, I am renaming her, Kasey. She is a very knowledgeable, interesting, and pretty lady. She is very active and can most definitely kick my butt with her extensive martial arts experience. The best part was that we managed to have a very engaging, intelligent conversation that lasted hours. We went out for a nice dinner (oh and she's an adventurous eater... big plus in my department) and we just started chatting about everything. It was quite refreshing.
I enjoyed her company very much and would very much like to see where this can go. After all, it was only the first date. But if this keep up... could be interesting. Oh ya.. another thing she's not engaged! .. at least to my knowledge. I guess I will just have to wait and see.

I think if anyone were to tell you that they have no regrets in life they are lying. I am no different. I certainly have regrets and many things that I could have done differently but as to whether or not I would like to change anything... I don't think so. All the regrets and mistakes I have made in the past have shaped me into the person I am today. Life has its twists and turns if it didnt..then life would be pretty boring. We all have challenges that come along and its how we react when we stumble that shows our true character. I am nowhere near perfect and I wouldnt want to be (too much pressure) though I try to do the best I can. I live life trying to find the best in people and I to stay open to the possibilities. I know what I want in life but I also know that I probably wont get everything that I want.


The one thing I can say is that I do miss simpler times.

holy mother.. its been a while!

Recap of the past 2 weeks:

1. Ended a "Friends with benefits" arrangement... the opposite party got attached. I know it seems very hypocritical of me to be looking for love when I there is one in front of me who wants in. Yes, I agree but I know this chick and I can not trust her. Sex is great but I can't trust her outside the bedroom.

2. I joined a functional fitness class at the gyms. I can sum it all up in one word, SORE. Fabulous workout with an  amazing instructor. No pain, no gain, right?

3. I finished Kitchen Confidential... great read. Now moving on to Hunger Game and I am finishing up its final pages. Its a quick easy read but like some critics that I have seen... reminds me a lot of a Japanese flick from several years back "Battle Royale" (If you haven't seen it, I highly recommend it). The book itself was well written and the story is decent. Good enough to read while in the shitter.. where I do most of my reading anyway.

So now that you are up to date. This week, I got my first reply off of Match.com. Great potential but of course things may change over the next week or two. Hopefully, we get a chance to meet, chat and get a better feel for each other. Wish me luck!

my bed is just staring at me...

Another typical night, I can not sleep. So, I figured I would just type around a while. It has been over a week since my last post anyhow. I started reading Kitchen Confidential by Anthony Bourdain... HILARIOUS! He just talks about his exploits on his journey to being a chef. A lot of the shit he talks about makes me cringe, a little, but also very enlightening. I have so many books I want to read and their all waiting for me at the foot of my bed. Hunger Games is next on the list since my whole family has been raving about it.

On a totally different note, I laid on my bed no more than 10 minutes ago. As I turned off my lamp and placed my head on my well-worn pillow, the first thought in my head was 'Damn.' I miss laying down feeling the soft tender skin of someone I love. I miss the rhythm of their soft breaths even the gentle scent on their hair (I noticed that I have never slept with a gal whose hair did not smell great). I know that a lot of people who do not know me very well think that I am a crass individual, some regard me as a pig, heck a downright slut to some. I am a softy though. Just one of those looking for the right one but most of the time finding the 'right now's . I can't help it most of the time... I am a very impulsive person who has a very addictive personality. By that I mean... I get addicted and hooked HARD.

MY bed!!!

3 years ago, I was broke, fat, unhealthy and sat in front of the computer 20 hours at a time playing a video game and yet I had no trouble with chicks. We would go out, fuck, go to the movies. They would send me provocative photos whenever I asked. I did not spend a dime nor did I bother to change. Now that I have a successful career, healthier, skinnier and barely on the computer, I can barely find a fucking date. What a bitch! Won't stop me from trying though. As Dory from Finding Nemo used to say... 'just keep swimming.'

I was never really alone...

Thank you to Chris for this photo.

When I started this post, I was not alone. (Aside from my birthday hook up) Laying by my feet as I wrote was Sunny, my cousin's golden retriever. He was the closest one I have ever had as a pet. He kept my feet warm and the floor wet with slobber. Late last night, we had to say goodbye to our dear Sunny.

So this post I dedicate to you. I remember the many walks we took so that you had to do your business and your recent connect the dots escapade. I miss the times when you would jump out of nowhere and hump my leg like there was no tomorrow. I still cringe at the thought of the camping trips we had when you sat with me... my balls still shrivel when I think of the many many times you stepped on them in your anxiety. I remember in the middle of the night in Galena when I stepped into a whole puddle of your pee because you were home sick. And of course, who can forget your daring leap into the lake that caused everybody to panic.

Its a shame you could not be my wingman for the summer. I am sure we could have gotten plenty of bitches for me and you too, I guess. I thank you for keeping me company this past December, my birthday, our nice little 3am strolls. I am sorry if I traumatized you when you walked in on me nailin some randoms...hey, I tried to keep you out with those boxes but you were just so darn persistent. I hope the treats we gave you were enough of a payback. You will always be our Sunny..go score with some bitches in doggy heaven.

What's so smart about a Smart car?

I do not really know what the deal is with Smart cars though one thing I am sure of is that whoever drives them really should get a qualification test of some sort. I honestly believe that you at least have to be a smart driver to use this vehicle.

As I was driving around today, I almost crashed into one of these waiting-to-be a train wreck of a design. The driver of the 'Smart' car turned moved into my lane without signaling and most likely without even looking. The idiot almost hit my Cindi (Cindi is my Honda Civic). Sure enough a stream of honking came from my end. Ugh. I know that I can be a reckless driver at times but some drivers out there are just outright stupid. As they say, you can fix dumb but you can't fix stupid.

------- to another point

Great time last night, ended up going out for drinks and onto a random chick's bed. Not a first by any means but a first that I actually ended up sleeping over for the night. Waking up to a whole load of awkwardness on my part since I am particularly familiar with the post-hookup morning protocol. Great gal, great night... I need to do some homework on this.

its been 45 days...

..since my last drink and now, hello vodka my old friend. It is Valentine's day, enough said. I know its a made up holiday but the idea behind it gets me a little down. I have spent plenty a Valentine's making romantic gestures with significant others. Yet I live on! Goose and Coke for the win.

Cheers bitches! Happy Valentine's Day!

day 52... let's try this again

I take no credit for this photo.

So I am not the type of person who would give up so easily. A few days ago, I resubscribed to an online dating website. The last time I was in, I did not have any luck at all until the last two days of my subscription when I received a 'wink' , as they call it from this gal. We started off with a nice dinner date at the bar and grill then ended up taking a 3 hour walk around town. We talked each others' ears off. All in all a great first date! Very eager to see each other again, we took the train to downtown Chicago and spent the night at Navy Pier. We took a ride on the Ferris Wheel (if you have never been on the Navy Pier Ferris Wheel at night, I highly suggest you do so... the view of the Chicago skyline is simply amazing). She even came by out of nowhere to drop of lunch for me at work; I mean come on... sounds perfect, right? A few days later, I receive a text message saying that she could not talk to me anymore. After finally prying it out of her, she told me that she was engaged and that she was moving in her fiance... talk about getting mind-fucked. Days ago, I was in one of the best dates I have had by far.. and now. Shit.

And then the kicker... months later, she calls me up totally out of the blue and asks how I was doing. Then she tells me her story... her fiance ended up being a prick and broke of the engagement as they planned the wedding. And she wanted to go out with me again and see what happens.

Now I am giving it another whirl... after trying the traditional pick ups to speed dating. I am willing to give this another chance. Wish me luck!!!!


**RANT** (Peter Griffin of Family Guy) You know what really grinds my gears... every fucking body on Facebook posting RIP notes about Whitney Houston. YOU DONT FUCKING KNOW HER, STFU! She was another celebrity who wasted away her talent, fame and credibility and ended up being a junkie. Live on with your life and keep giving us updates that no one cares about!


If any of my loved ones have posted of Whitney Houston... know that I love you and I do not think any less of you.

booo Giants

as promised to continue...
...she reach down to my no no parts and I was in total shock. I mean I was 14 years old and I could not understand what was happening. It felt like my whole body just shut down; I went numb. She took me by the hand and walked me into the adjacent room. It was totally dark and cold. My brain raced a million miles a minute. She pulled down my shorts and tidy whities then she proceeded to perform oral sex. Through all this I could not react... I just did not know how I was supposed to. I felt both a sense of pleasure, guilt, and shame all at the same time. After the whole thing ended, (for the dudes who are wondering... yes, she swallowed) she walked me out the door. She stuffed my pocket with a ₱100 bill and with a smile on her face she says, "Come back again tomorrow." Still unsure and confused at what just happened, I answered "Okay."


The walk home felt like the longest walk I have ever made in my life time. I was still trying to figure out what exactly happened. I did not know if I was supposed to tell someone or keep it a secret and even if I did, who was I supposed to tell. When I finally got home, I remembered just sitting on my bed just balled up in utter disbelief. Falling out of my pocket, I saw the ₱100 she shoved in there. Of all the thoughts that was flashing through my mind, the one that came out was... Wow, I just made ₱100. I mean how fucked up is that. I just got molested and the thing that stuck it my brain was money! I have looked back into this incident many times over the years and the only conclusion I could think of was that I was in defensive mode... trying to look past how I was violated. And I think that was what brought me back over to her door the next day.


It felt like I just emotionally shut out a part of myself...to my own reasoning, I was trying to take control (now, I know that I was just fooling myself). I knocked on that door...and it just escalated from the previous day. This went on for almost four months... some times she'd have her gal pals or gay friends over to watch. It was fucked up. I really do not know what went through my head in all that. I think that is why now-a-days, casual sex comes somewhat naturally. At the end of the day, I still long for that special someone who can help me make some sense out of my life... I am just fucked up.

work and Business 101

When I was young, I was quite the entrepreneur. At the age of six, I worked on an 'ice candy' (FACTOID: ice candy are juices or sweet savory drinks placed in tube shaped plastic bags...basically a makeshift popsicle) business. Sadly my little venture failed because I ended up consuming all the ice candy I attempted to sell.

Three years later, I actually started working. My cousin had gotten me into a small dance group to publicize a new fast food chain, Jollibee. After several performances and the company boomed, we turned into greeters at their main location. Being my ambitious self, I took on more tasks than just putting on a smiley face and greet diners as they walked into the door. I started busing tables and taking orders. I guess the sad part was hat we were paid with food coupons but it certainly kept me entertained for the summer.


Onto sixth grade, I continued the dance promotions with our school's dance team. At that time, our client was a arcade/ recreation center. We dance at malls, stages. It was fun! This time around, instead of food coupons we got paid with game tokens and ride tickets! During this time, I also took my hand in business again. I started selling adult playing cards. I sold each card like those collectible baseball/ basketball cards. I even had small albums to protect my products! Being in an all boys Catholic school, I had a market craving for it. I took my dealings in the bathroom to keep away from the faculty and staff. I made a very sizable profit.


A year later as internet cafe's started sprouting around the neighborhood, my business plan shifted. I started downloading pictures and clips of pornography and sold them. I would save them in floppy disks labeling them with various school subject titles...(yes, sex sells folks and i learned that pretty early on).


The following year, well, probably a fact that only three people know about... It was a quiet Sunday afternoon. I got a haircut at this lady's hair salon and I was her last client for the day. Drapes down and we were alone. As she finished up, she reached down and .... Going to a Super Bowl get together To be continued

Have you ever had one of those dreams...

...where you can not seem to shake off? I had one of those a few nights ago. I dreamed that it was summer and I sat at a park enjoying the beautiful sunshine, rustling of the grass when a little girl appeared. She ran towards me with her black curly hair, puffy cheeks with her eyes drenched in tears. She called out to me ... "Daddy!" screaming for me with her arms stretched out. She seemed to be crying out for my help. I held her close and tight in my arms reassuring her "Its okay, little girl. Its okay, &^&!%n." It was my ex's daughter and I know I will never see her again. Its been tearing me up apart.

Nobody likes to talk about religion but here I go...

A picture of Magellan's Cross in Cebu (I take no credit for this photo)

Growing up, I was surrounded by religion from the relics, statues and Bibles littered around the house. My grandmother had her 3pm and 6pm rituals. My mother had her perfect Mass attendance and nightly rosaries. Actually it was the whole community and country in fact was dedicated to the Roman Catholic faith. When you were at the mall and the 6pm bell rang, everybody stopped for the Angelus. Going to Mass on Sundays and holy days of obligation was something I (not so much enjoyed) but I did not much mind it. As the priests preached and read out their homilies, I used to feel a sense of peace and at times, inspired.

Sadly, it seems those days are long gone. When I go to Mass, I no longer feel that sense of peace. When I hear priests and pastors, I am no longer inspired half the time I feel like I am being lectured and scolded. It is becoming more of a chore then anything else. Do not get me wrong, I have faith in God, a being beyond our own comprehension, an almighty power. I keep my own personal prayers and the random 'chats' that I have. I have no idea which direction the Catholic church is going. One thing is for sure... I feel I have lost faith in the system.

What a fucking joke...

My 16-17 year old cousin showing off her 26 year old baby daddy at a family dinner! And my aunt and uncle ... Well. I have no fucking idea where to start.

Well first of all, cousin you claim that you are an adult but this is just fucking stupid. If you are looking for a cry for attention...you've definitely found one.This 26 year old idiot who would impregnate a 16 year old...why the fuck would you date a minor? How stupid can you get? Maybe you're retarded...you do look like you have some Downs.

Sorry I do not associate myself to statutory rapists. DIAF!

Middle of the day I receive a phone call from my mom's boss saying that my mom was just taken to the emergency room with chest pains. The first thought in my mind was 'oh shit!' She has breifly mentioned it over breakfast but when I inquired about it... She just mumbled it off so I didnt think much of it. Hearing this news made me a little guilty. Then I got to thinking... What would I do if something were to happen to her? That really got me to thinking about everything...really had to think hard. As a matter of fact, I am still thinking about it..how I would react, how I would feel, what would I do. You would think it would be an easy thought considering my relationship with my mom but it is actually harder than I thought.

WTB sleep

It has been nearly two weeks since I have had a good night of sleep. And in the past week, I have not slept for more than three to four hours at a time. I am so frustrated, drained. I am hoping to get some relief this weekend... To get a full night of uninterrupted sleep. At least it has not gone so bad yet that I start having hallucinations which has happened.
Times like this when I miss the days after I graduated college when I just relaxed... Maybe too relaxed where I lost nearly two years doing absolutely nothing. It was in this two years that I got hooked on World of Warcraft. I lived and breathed WOW. I am not ashamed to say it... I was a WOWaholic!
Despite those two years wasted, I do not regret it. I found out a lot about myself and about people...that no matter how broke and lazy I was... I still got laid. Now that I have a fulfilling job... I have $h** luck with relationships. Still getting laid but that can only go so far. Peace out for now.

snow in Chicago

As much as I hate the cold, I have grown some appreciation for winter. Shoveling snow at 5 in the morning, I notice the beauty of winter... its serenity. The quiet calm, the silence and the darkness that gave me a sense of tranquility.
I think my favorite part of winter is the sight of trees with snow clinging to their branches; its stillness is somehow comforting.

After a while as the chill gets to my bones, it just gets downright eerie like an intro to a horror flick. (On that note, The Exorcist still trumps all. If you have not read the book, you have no idea what you are missing.. but I suggest reading it only when the sun is out.)

Here we go again...

Picture yourself with your favorite tunes playing, the sun in your face and the crisp ocean breeze blowing by. Then as you open your eyes, your faced with the dead of winter and the cold air biting to the bone.
I miss home. I miss the atmosphere, the people and really...the sun. Regardless of how my mood was, I always feel so much brighter so much happier with the bright sun shining, smiling above. Home is Cebu City, Philippines; the 'Queen City of the South.' Right smack in the middle of the archipelago of 7,107 islands.

>>Tangent<< It saddens and frustrates me to know that i wasted my life for a year and a half...and i didn't realize until my best friend (one of my very best) was diagnosed with cancer. Worse yet, I never realized how it was to cherish life until his passing. I am such a fool.

I miss the days of home. Spending time with the closest and dearest of friends, loving family and the sense of community. I am disappointed in how my life has turned out in the passed few years, lost and misguided.

L.D.O. Miss you so much my brother... Life feels a little dimmer without you. Thank you for your friendship and your love. You are probably the one and only person thus far who knows me for all my flaws, mistakes and my secrets. I wish I could have spent more time.

another day... Day 27

How sad it is that when I wake up on a Sunday morning the first thought is my head is 'How many patients do I have?' As much as I love and enjoy my job, I am honestly getting burnt out. I am a nurse... a home health nurse. I go out into the community and visit patients in their home setting for the most part though, I do majority of my teaching towards the family.
Here in the United States, people are hospitalized, treated, and discharged. But because the healthcare system is monopolized by insurance companies and coverage issues, many patients are not receiving the proper care that they need. Instead, they get kicked out because insurance has only allowed 'X' number of days of hospitalization. And that is where majority of my work comes in... I assist, treat and manage patients (typically) during their transition from hospital to home or 'home environment.'
The best part about my work is seeing people's faces light up as they learn something about their disease or condition that they were never aware of before. Some times, it is the smallest things which may seem very common sense to many while some are totally oblivious. Such as patients with high blood pressure who complains that it never seems to come down when they are relaxed while at the same time chugging down a 16oz container of regular black coffee.
I really do enjoy my job but I drained.... hence I have to fill up every one in a while with some Goose.

A memory...

Every morning, I wake up... smash the snooze button on my alarm clock several times until the last possible moment. I sit up in bed, rubbing my face then gaze into my wrist and say a little prayer. This is my first tattoo located on my left wrist. It is a reminder for myself... for my mistakes, my foolishness and ultimately, my loss. I consider myself a very practical person. I am rarely spontaneous and I generally give big decisions a good thought...allowing myself to immerse myself in the idea of my choices. Most of the time, I tend to over think. But desperation totally overcame me which lead me to my predicament.

You see, over a year ago I got into a relationship out of utter desperation...a deep longing for a connection with another which ended up in myself getting manipulated and ultimately losing what could have been my first child. That's right, I impregnated this woman...(well I don't think she can pass off as a woman since she her mindset is pretty immature). So it boiled down to whether or not we wanted to keep the child. I was honestly torn primarily because I was truly unsure of having this child with this particular woman. I love children... Totally and I was excited of the idea of being a dad but again I was unsure of his woman. In the end though, the choice was made for us. Due to a complication, we had to abort.... I can not find the words to describe the feeling 'gut wrenching' would be an understatement. To this day, it tears me up knowing what I have done.

I am a very broken man... 041611