Have you ever had one of those dreams...

...where you can not seem to shake off? I had one of those a few nights ago. I dreamed that it was summer and I sat at a park enjoying the beautiful sunshine, rustling of the grass when a little girl appeared. She ran towards me with her black curly hair, puffy cheeks with her eyes drenched in tears. She called out to me ... "Daddy!" screaming for me with her arms stretched out. She seemed to be crying out for my help. I held her close and tight in my arms reassuring her "Its okay, little girl. Its okay, &^&!%n." It was my ex's daughter and I know I will never see her again. Its been tearing me up apart.

Nobody likes to talk about religion but here I go...

A picture of Magellan's Cross in Cebu (I take no credit for this photo)

Growing up, I was surrounded by religion from the relics, statues and Bibles littered around the house. My grandmother had her 3pm and 6pm rituals. My mother had her perfect Mass attendance and nightly rosaries. Actually it was the whole community and country in fact was dedicated to the Roman Catholic faith. When you were at the mall and the 6pm bell rang, everybody stopped for the Angelus. Going to Mass on Sundays and holy days of obligation was something I (not so much enjoyed) but I did not much mind it. As the priests preached and read out their homilies, I used to feel a sense of peace and at times, inspired.

Sadly, it seems those days are long gone. When I go to Mass, I no longer feel that sense of peace. When I hear priests and pastors, I am no longer inspired half the time I feel like I am being lectured and scolded. It is becoming more of a chore then anything else. Do not get me wrong, I have faith in God, a being beyond our own comprehension, an almighty power. I keep my own personal prayers and the random 'chats' that I have. I have no idea which direction the Catholic church is going. One thing is for sure... I feel I have lost faith in the system.

What a fucking joke...

My 16-17 year old cousin showing off her 26 year old baby daddy at a family dinner! And my aunt and uncle ... Well. I have no fucking idea where to start.

Well first of all, cousin you claim that you are an adult but this is just fucking stupid. If you are looking for a cry for attention...you've definitely found one.This 26 year old idiot who would impregnate a 16 year old...why the fuck would you date a minor? How stupid can you get? Maybe you're retarded...you do look like you have some Downs.

Sorry I do not associate myself to statutory rapists. DIAF!

Middle of the day I receive a phone call from my mom's boss saying that my mom was just taken to the emergency room with chest pains. The first thought in my mind was 'oh shit!' She has breifly mentioned it over breakfast but when I inquired about it... She just mumbled it off so I didnt think much of it. Hearing this news made me a little guilty. Then I got to thinking... What would I do if something were to happen to her? That really got me to thinking about everything...really had to think hard. As a matter of fact, I am still thinking about it..how I would react, how I would feel, what would I do. You would think it would be an easy thought considering my relationship with my mom but it is actually harder than I thought.

WTB sleep

It has been nearly two weeks since I have had a good night of sleep. And in the past week, I have not slept for more than three to four hours at a time. I am so frustrated, drained. I am hoping to get some relief this weekend... To get a full night of uninterrupted sleep. At least it has not gone so bad yet that I start having hallucinations which has happened.
Times like this when I miss the days after I graduated college when I just relaxed... Maybe too relaxed where I lost nearly two years doing absolutely nothing. It was in this two years that I got hooked on World of Warcraft. I lived and breathed WOW. I am not ashamed to say it... I was a WOWaholic!
Despite those two years wasted, I do not regret it. I found out a lot about myself and about people...that no matter how broke and lazy I was... I still got laid. Now that I have a fulfilling job... I have $h** luck with relationships. Still getting laid but that can only go so far. Peace out for now.

snow in Chicago

As much as I hate the cold, I have grown some appreciation for winter. Shoveling snow at 5 in the morning, I notice the beauty of winter... its serenity. The quiet calm, the silence and the darkness that gave me a sense of tranquility.
I think my favorite part of winter is the sight of trees with snow clinging to their branches; its stillness is somehow comforting.

After a while as the chill gets to my bones, it just gets downright eerie like an intro to a horror flick. (On that note, The Exorcist still trumps all. If you have not read the book, you have no idea what you are missing.. but I suggest reading it only when the sun is out.)

Here we go again...

Picture yourself with your favorite tunes playing, the sun in your face and the crisp ocean breeze blowing by. Then as you open your eyes, your faced with the dead of winter and the cold air biting to the bone.
I miss home. I miss the atmosphere, the people and really...the sun. Regardless of how my mood was, I always feel so much brighter so much happier with the bright sun shining, smiling above. Home is Cebu City, Philippines; the 'Queen City of the South.' Right smack in the middle of the archipelago of 7,107 islands.

>>Tangent<< It saddens and frustrates me to know that i wasted my life for a year and a half...and i didn't realize until my best friend (one of my very best) was diagnosed with cancer. Worse yet, I never realized how it was to cherish life until his passing. I am such a fool.

I miss the days of home. Spending time with the closest and dearest of friends, loving family and the sense of community. I am disappointed in how my life has turned out in the passed few years, lost and misguided.

L.D.O. Miss you so much my brother... Life feels a little dimmer without you. Thank you for your friendship and your love. You are probably the one and only person thus far who knows me for all my flaws, mistakes and my secrets. I wish I could have spent more time.

another day... Day 27

How sad it is that when I wake up on a Sunday morning the first thought is my head is 'How many patients do I have?' As much as I love and enjoy my job, I am honestly getting burnt out. I am a nurse... a home health nurse. I go out into the community and visit patients in their home setting for the most part though, I do majority of my teaching towards the family.
Here in the United States, people are hospitalized, treated, and discharged. But because the healthcare system is monopolized by insurance companies and coverage issues, many patients are not receiving the proper care that they need. Instead, they get kicked out because insurance has only allowed 'X' number of days of hospitalization. And that is where majority of my work comes in... I assist, treat and manage patients (typically) during their transition from hospital to home or 'home environment.'
The best part about my work is seeing people's faces light up as they learn something about their disease or condition that they were never aware of before. Some times, it is the smallest things which may seem very common sense to many while some are totally oblivious. Such as patients with high blood pressure who complains that it never seems to come down when they are relaxed while at the same time chugging down a 16oz container of regular black coffee.
I really do enjoy my job but I drained.... hence I have to fill up every one in a while with some Goose.

A memory...

Every morning, I wake up... smash the snooze button on my alarm clock several times until the last possible moment. I sit up in bed, rubbing my face then gaze into my wrist and say a little prayer. This is my first tattoo located on my left wrist. It is a reminder for myself... for my mistakes, my foolishness and ultimately, my loss. I consider myself a very practical person. I am rarely spontaneous and I generally give big decisions a good thought...allowing myself to immerse myself in the idea of my choices. Most of the time, I tend to over think. But desperation totally overcame me which lead me to my predicament.

You see, over a year ago I got into a relationship out of utter desperation...a deep longing for a connection with another which ended up in myself getting manipulated and ultimately losing what could have been my first child. That's right, I impregnated this woman...(well I don't think she can pass off as a woman since she her mindset is pretty immature). So it boiled down to whether or not we wanted to keep the child. I was honestly torn primarily because I was truly unsure of having this child with this particular woman. I love children... Totally and I was excited of the idea of being a dad but again I was unsure of his woman. In the end though, the choice was made for us. Due to a complication, we had to abort.... I can not find the words to describe the feeling 'gut wrenching' would be an understatement. To this day, it tears me up knowing what I have done.

I am a very broken man... 041611