Here we go again...

Picture yourself with your favorite tunes playing, the sun in your face and the crisp ocean breeze blowing by. Then as you open your eyes, your faced with the dead of winter and the cold air biting to the bone.
I miss home. I miss the atmosphere, the people and really...the sun. Regardless of how my mood was, I always feel so much brighter so much happier with the bright sun shining, smiling above. Home is Cebu City, Philippines; the 'Queen City of the South.' Right smack in the middle of the archipelago of 7,107 islands.

>>Tangent<< It saddens and frustrates me to know that i wasted my life for a year and a half...and i didn't realize until my best friend (one of my very best) was diagnosed with cancer. Worse yet, I never realized how it was to cherish life until his passing. I am such a fool.

I miss the days of home. Spending time with the closest and dearest of friends, loving family and the sense of community. I am disappointed in how my life has turned out in the passed few years, lost and misguided.

L.D.O. Miss you so much my brother... Life feels a little dimmer without you. Thank you for your friendship and your love. You are probably the one and only person thus far who knows me for all my flaws, mistakes and my secrets. I wish I could have spent more time.

another day... Day 27

How sad it is that when I wake up on a Sunday morning the first thought is my head is 'How many patients do I have?' As much as I love and enjoy my job, I am honestly getting burnt out. I am a nurse... a home health nurse. I go out into the community and visit patients in their home setting for the most part though, I do majority of my teaching towards the family.
Here in the United States, people are hospitalized, treated, and discharged. But because the healthcare system is monopolized by insurance companies and coverage issues, many patients are not receiving the proper care that they need. Instead, they get kicked out because insurance has only allowed 'X' number of days of hospitalization. And that is where majority of my work comes in... I assist, treat and manage patients (typically) during their transition from hospital to home or 'home environment.'
The best part about my work is seeing people's faces light up as they learn something about their disease or condition that they were never aware of before. Some times, it is the smallest things which may seem very common sense to many while some are totally oblivious. Such as patients with high blood pressure who complains that it never seems to come down when they are relaxed while at the same time chugging down a 16oz container of regular black coffee.
I really do enjoy my job but I drained.... hence I have to fill up every one in a while with some Goose.

A memory...

Every morning, I wake up... smash the snooze button on my alarm clock several times until the last possible moment. I sit up in bed, rubbing my face then gaze into my wrist and say a little prayer. This is my first tattoo located on my left wrist. It is a reminder for myself... for my mistakes, my foolishness and ultimately, my loss. I consider myself a very practical person. I am rarely spontaneous and I generally give big decisions a good thought...allowing myself to immerse myself in the idea of my choices. Most of the time, I tend to over think. But desperation totally overcame me which lead me to my predicament.

You see, over a year ago I got into a relationship out of utter desperation...a deep longing for a connection with another which ended up in myself getting manipulated and ultimately losing what could have been my first child. That's right, I impregnated this woman...(well I don't think she can pass off as a woman since she her mindset is pretty immature). So it boiled down to whether or not we wanted to keep the child. I was honestly torn primarily because I was truly unsure of having this child with this particular woman. I love children... Totally and I was excited of the idea of being a dad but again I was unsure of his woman. In the end though, the choice was made for us. Due to a complication, we had to abort.... I can not find the words to describe the feeling 'gut wrenching' would be an understatement. To this day, it tears me up knowing what I have done.

I am a very broken man... 041611