I have never been so swamped with work that I have not found the time to sit down and post. Several times in the past two weeks I felt like giving up. I have never been so overwhelmed and in all honesty, depressed. I know everyone uses 'depressed' so casually but I typically am not this way. I feel like i am in such a rut which i have never been since I moved to the US. That first year after migrating here was probably worse though. Imagine leaving everything you know, everyone you love to some place that's almost alien to you; even the smell of the air was different.
Regardless, another year has passed and more posts to come.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Monday, December 19, 2011
... to continue
Everybody tells us not to dwell in the past but I think it would be a betrayal of ourselves and identity to do so. So I embrace it dearly, especially the people who made those moments priceless. Growing up was certainly an experience. I was born into a single parent family...by choice mind you (this i will touch up more on later). I was the only child but luckily I was surrounded by aunts, uncles and plenty of cousins.
In the first fifteen years of my life, I lived with my grandparents along with my mom. My grandparents were amazing. My grandmother is quite a character... she was always a 'host', catering to anyone who walked through the doors. From what my mom tells me, she was not very affectionate. I, on the other hand had a totally different experience. She definitely had plenty of hugs and kisses except on the days when I would not listen.. then she'd chase after me with a tree branch and whip me back into place. She's very creative as well. When whipping and spanking me stopped working, I had to kneel in front of the Santo Niño statue, arms extended to the sides with Bibles in hand. Depending on the severity of my infraction, I would find salt under my knees. Creative, right? Oh and she was ultra religious just like my mother. My grandmother had six children with my mom being the fourth. She raised chickens in our backyard and pigs in a little pen she had by my uncle's house. She's certainly quite a character.
Now for my grandfather. If he was around, you would know be it from his loud booming voice or HBO on the television. He was a very personable man, surrounding himself with people who he has helped without question or bounds. He certainly enjoyed his alcohol which only amplified his voice for his speeches and stories. My grandfather, from my experience was very loving, so loving in fact that he had at least one other extramarital relationship birthing several children. He had many flaws but they were easily overshadowed by his goodness. He was stubborn, opinionated and he knew what he wanted. He was my grandfather and I miss him everyday.
As I grew up, I surrounded myself with all my family connecting to various aunts and uncles but more so with a particular aunt and uncle. They had three daughters, so I kind of fit in as the adopted son. I grew up with them and my aunt and uncle treated my like their own. I think it got to a point where my mom got jealous that she would not allow me to spend the night with them. Where was my mom in all this? Well she was very busy working and spending time with friends. I can certainly understand why she was not there all the time... but during the times when we were together, she made me feel more of a burden than anything else. As I grew up, learned to manage. Everyone who has met my mom thinks she is a wonderful person. Well, she is an amazing person but as a mother... I think her choice to have me was a little misguided, selfish and I think I will save that for another night.
In the first fifteen years of my life, I lived with my grandparents along with my mom. My grandparents were amazing. My grandmother is quite a character... she was always a 'host', catering to anyone who walked through the doors. From what my mom tells me, she was not very affectionate. I, on the other hand had a totally different experience. She definitely had plenty of hugs and kisses except on the days when I would not listen.. then she'd chase after me with a tree branch and whip me back into place. She's very creative as well. When whipping and spanking me stopped working, I had to kneel in front of the Santo Niño statue, arms extended to the sides with Bibles in hand. Depending on the severity of my infraction, I would find salt under my knees. Creative, right? Oh and she was ultra religious just like my mother. My grandmother had six children with my mom being the fourth. She raised chickens in our backyard and pigs in a little pen she had by my uncle's house. She's certainly quite a character.
Now for my grandfather. If he was around, you would know be it from his loud booming voice or HBO on the television. He was a very personable man, surrounding himself with people who he has helped without question or bounds. He certainly enjoyed his alcohol which only amplified his voice for his speeches and stories. My grandfather, from my experience was very loving, so loving in fact that he had at least one other extramarital relationship birthing several children. He had many flaws but they were easily overshadowed by his goodness. He was stubborn, opinionated and he knew what he wanted. He was my grandfather and I miss him everyday.
As I grew up, I surrounded myself with all my family connecting to various aunts and uncles but more so with a particular aunt and uncle. They had three daughters, so I kind of fit in as the adopted son. I grew up with them and my aunt and uncle treated my like their own. I think it got to a point where my mom got jealous that she would not allow me to spend the night with them. Where was my mom in all this? Well she was very busy working and spending time with friends. I can certainly understand why she was not there all the time... but during the times when we were together, she made me feel more of a burden than anything else. As I grew up, learned to manage. Everyone who has met my mom thinks she is a wonderful person. Well, she is an amazing person but as a mother... I think her choice to have me was a little misguided, selfish and I think I will save that for another night.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
day 6
I had a light bulb moment the last night. I was on the phone with my aunt who I am very close with who I really saw as a mother figure when I was growing up. As we ended our phone conversation, she says "I love you." In turn I reply: "Love you too." This is huge... especially since I very rarely utter those words to my own mother and in those rare instances, I always feel awkward saying them. But in this case, the words came out truthfully.
If you have not already deduced by now, my mother and I are not very close. Growing up, I felt more of a chore to her than anything. I did not receive the affection, the connection as a typical child wood growing up. ... ugh falling asleep on the keyboard....TBC
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
day 3?
I guess it is day 3 since it is already 3am in the morning. Casual sex is was fun and exciting... now I feel like its gets boring. It could very well be a subjective experience. I guess I thrive in the passion, the emotion and the connection of sex...love-making. Aside from the acute pleasure from that sudden release, there is nothing. It feels empty. I am sure there are plenty of guys and gals out there who can certainly argue this case but I am almost certain that they are just lying to themselves; that deep down inside they long for that bond or whatever you may call it.
Again sleep eludes me. Then again, the late vodka cocktail probably is not helping my cause either. C'est la vie. It is a surprisingly pleasant early morning though. I took my cousin's dog out for a walk... the weather was nice considering its the middle of December in Chicago. I sit quietly as I imagine my family enjoy the warmth of my childhood home, the nice salty breeze, the crispness of sunshine as it creeps up in the morning. (If you have never been woken up to sunrise by the beach, I highly encourage it!) I miss my little island home (Yes, I trying to keep it suspenseful).
Few more months and I will have the sand between my toes, a drink in hand and the sun in my face.
Again sleep eludes me. Then again, the late vodka cocktail probably is not helping my cause either. C'est la vie. It is a surprisingly pleasant early morning though. I took my cousin's dog out for a walk... the weather was nice considering its the middle of December in Chicago. I sit quietly as I imagine my family enjoy the warmth of my childhood home, the nice salty breeze, the crispness of sunshine as it creeps up in the morning. (If you have never been woken up to sunrise by the beach, I highly encourage it!) I miss my little island home (Yes, I trying to keep it suspenseful).
Few more months and I will have the sand between my toes, a drink in hand and the sun in my face.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Fun fact: I share the same birthday as Jennifer Connelly, Bob Barker and the chick who plays Amy Farrah Fowler in Big Bang Theory.
Today was certainly one of those days when I get kicked in the nuts and remember how $hitt* it can be to be single, an only child in a single parent household. #uck I need a drink.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Day 1
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